One Of the Weirdest Things That I Have Ever Typed

October 5, 2009

Note: The separate paragraphs are each an IRC message. “Frist” is a spelling error.

I’d disagree with the teacher claiming that it’s pornography.

And the student made a major error when he wrote it.

2girls1cup isn’t a real shit-eating video.

They give them pudding enemas, or something. That’s why it looks all soft and comes out neatly, like a soft-serve.

It’s really hard to find actors to eat real shit on camera, even with the Internet.

Ass-fudge is apparently acceptable, though.

Well, there’s demand for shit-eating, apparently. And no regular-looking actors want to do it. So it’s like “Okay, I won’t eat real shit, but I will eat pudding if you stuff it up there. Pudding is fine, as long as you clean her out frist. Final offer.”

And then they have to tell the other actress “We’re going to give you an enema and get you good and clean, and then we’re going to pump some chocolate pudding up there. That’s what you’ll squeeze out into the cup, savvy?

Very Dada.



September 7, 2009

A WHORE ISLAND fixture known fondly as Captain Pissup was found wandering down Mainstreet after being kicked out of every one of the local taverns and/or opium dens today, issuing a decree about the “state of the human condition in this, our perverted age.” Smelling strongly of rum and gesticulating with a smoldering joint of indeterminate substance, he demanded that the local on-call vice stenographer be dispatched. The resulting transcript and grubby piece of paper flung at said stenographer and gathered crowd of local prostitutes follows below.

“Okay, you dirty bastards! Sit down, and Cappy here is going to tell you a story! You, yes you, don’t fucking move. This is enlightenment that I’m offering you! Now hold still and take it, I know you’re good at that! Okay.”

There is a protracted pause as The Captain rummages though his clothing; an empty hip flask, a crumpled piece of foil apparently encrusted with some form of drug residue and a WHORE ISLAND commemorative pearl-handled pistol fall out onto the ground.

“Fuck it, where was I, oh yes. Enlightenment. Y’see, Humanity – that’s with an uppercase “H,” proper noun – can be mapped on two dimensions. An X and a Y axis that… You! Sit back down! Your john will still be waiting for you, if he’s willing to pay for it then he’s willing to fuckin’ wait a few minutes while I change your perception of society! That’s right!”

There is another, shorter pause as he continues to search his person. He produces what appears to be a masonry jar filled with clear liquid and drinks a large gulp of it.

“Anyone want a drink? No? Keeping a clear head. Good people. Back to Humanity. It can be mapped on an X and a Y-axis, like any equation. The X-axis is masochism/sadism and the Y-axis is activity/schadenfreude. Where any given person or group falls on the grid is determined by…”

The Captain fades out momentarily. A member of the crowd tosses an empty bottle at his head. He comes back with a start.

“…Fucking bottles! I’m trying to help you here! Now behave or I’ll find you in your sleep, pop your heads off and eat your souls to gain your strength! Now, where you fall on the grid is determined by how masochistic or sadistic you are and how active you are in feeding in to your sadomasochistic instincts. This applies to all people, because you’re all horrible little crap-golems. It’s really simple, I’ve drawn you all a pretty picture!”

The captain tosses a balled-up piece of paper into the crowd and staggers off. No other explanation is provided.

The Captain has yet to be located or explain further.

Fuck Her

July 13, 2009

I cannot understand the perverted fantasy world that Sarah Palin lovers must live in.

Okay, back the fuck up. She’s gone, right? Well, probably not. I know I’m a little late on the Sarah Palin Hate Train, but rest assured I felt boiling venom rise in my soul the second that I saw her.

Anyway, people – Earth people raised in modern society – apparently look at this woman and think that she’s a good idea. They see her and think that she would make a good leader. It’s the ultimate extension of two things, which are the attitude that intellectualism (not being a total fuckhead) is bad, and that any moron that you would like to “hang out with” is a good choice for an important political position due to that single qualifier.

Sarah Palin is all of the things that irritate me about conservatives, boiled down and condensed into a purified, freebase-like form. She speaks as of she were gosh and golly, just talkin’ to one of the guys, y’know? She participates in moronic jingoistic posturing with craven glee. Everything about her appearance and behavior is so incredibly shiteating. All politicians do this in one way or another, of course. But – and here’s the really important part – they don’t believe it! It’s cynical pandering to the lowest common denominator voters. If they could, they would wipe their asses with the trucker-hat-and-F150 crowd. If they could, they would eat them all and replace them with underpaid Mexican and Chinese labor and forget about having to worry about them. But Palin does not. She is, in fact, one of those morons. It’s like some asshole picked a Bush voter off the street, gave them too much money and voice and let them loose to finally deliver that last lethal blow to Truth and Justice.

As an intelligent person, or at least one that doesn’t have eyes on the opposite sides of my face, every neuron in my brain screams when I hear her speak, like when a psycho with a sharpened plastic spoon is hijacking a plane. “How did this person get this far? Why aren’t we doing anything? What is the matter with you all?” Logic says that everyone should pile on and take them down, but nobody does anything. I want to grab conservatives, shake them by their collective shoulders and scream at them. I want to ask them what they could possibly be thinking. To explain themselves. When they are young, children are taught, or learn from experience, that playing with things that are very obviously dangerous is a bad idea and not to do it. Whether or not it’s our of a respect for society or just regular self-preservation doesn’t make a practical difference. Did these people just forget that? When they became adults, did they just decide that they’d had enough learning, they made it, so now it’s time to forget it all and kick back? That’s fine if you’re just shooting yourself in the foot, but don’t take the entire fucking country down with you.

The disregard for basic thought is stunning.

Skeleton Crew

June 4, 2009

Supposedly the Kindle and the iPhone Kindle application are going to kill print once and for all.


Print is immortal and indestructible. Print is like that one uncle that you have who has smoked and drank heavily his whole life, has numerous health problems that should have killed him stone dead ages ago, but still lives on to eat his cholesterol-packed breakfast every day. Here’s an unpleasant truth: until the last 125 years or so, print was the property of the intellectual elite, the same people that held the reigns of computing till the mid-1990s. Books were difficult to produce in quantity, and they were handwritten before movable type. The book nerds sewed bindings together. My crowd (I count myself among the people that will never surrender their books, and a computer nerd to boot,) considered books to be very, very valuable. They were packets of data that weren’t ubiquitous and took resources to copy. Less so now, but the habits are ingrained in anyone that loves books.

Computers were the same way. The only reason that people can use them now is the massive amount of resources expended to make user interfaces that an ADHD-addled chimpanzee could use. How many people do you know that could sit down in front of a Linux system without a fancy UI and be able to use the command prompt to do things? I’m going to take a wild stab and say not many. A few minutes of that and most users would be blubbering for Big Daddy Apple to come and save them, this prompt is scary, It doesn’t even have icons!

Now remember those two things, you’re going to need them later! The third thing is that most of (the US at least) public doesn’t really read serious literature in appreciable amounts. Most of the public are semi-literate sock puppets that read a lot of People magazine and fluffy Oprah’s-Book-club-pick-of-the-week drivel, not classic or intense contemporary literature. They consume the kind of words that are custom-designed for their atrophied mental digestive tracts, like the spongy chicken nuggets that everyone has become so used to. There are vast organisms that come up with it and it’s the intellectual equivalent of processed squeeze-tube food. Or Soylent Green, depending on if it’s about some celebrity imploding. Ultimately it doesn’t really matter of this word-product is extruded into receptive minds via printed media or electronically. It’s a transient consumer good, like a candy bar.

Remember those two things that I mentioned before? Well I told you they’d be important. Because the nerds are going to preserve what needs preserving. Just like they will continue to write the operating systems that allow your computer to work under that shiny user interface, they will preserve and maintain printed media. It may be on a skeleton crew, but it will get done. If the scary piggy sniffles killed 50% of the population today, there would still be books tomorrow. Probably no Internet for a while though, ho ho. Books will still be around when the lights go out. They need no batteries and they are not subject to planned obsolescence. Most of the slush pile of modern media will slough away as new gossip mags and thriller novels shoot out of the Pez-dispenser of pop-culture marketing and straight into whatever electronic display is in vogue, and that’s fine. We didn’t need to save it anyway. If just for ourselves and those like us that will come later, we will keep the figurative lanterns lit and the important books will always be around, in immortal shelves.

The What Generation?

May 1, 2009

Note: This is a cut-and-paste of something from an old blog that I don’t use any more.

I’ve always found the tendency of generations to label themselves somewhat trite. There were the Baby Boomers, the Love Generation, the Yuppie Shitheads, Generation X and so forth. I would fall into Generation Y, I suppose, which I always found to be the most self-indulgent and silly of all. The Baby Boomers had the post-war rush to ride on, the Love Generation had self-actualization and LSD, the Yuppie Shitheads had money and cocaine and Generation X had self-pity and heroin. We started out without anything defining, besides perhaps crystalized amphetamines and house music. I have no fondness for either. Everything that we grew up with was culturally malignant or an atrophied rehash.

Enter the Internet.

The Internet was ours. We didn’t set it up, but we took it and shaped it into what it is today, for better or worse. We became technologically capable much faster. We commoditized technological savvy and made it a skill that you either learned or got left behind for a lack of. We took mobile phones and made them necessary for everyone, as opposed to the business men that actually, you know, needed them. We wired ourselves up and filled that void with content that we made. We didn’t just pick a cause-and-drug combination, as is traditional. We got ahold of something that wasn’t exactly a cause, nor was it exactly a drug or a type of media or X. It was (and is) amorphous, and we did whatever the Hell we wanted with it (pornogrophy and escapist entertainment, mostly). We used it to trade music and post inane shit about our lives for others to read, as well as inventing meta-humor as we know it. We didn’t really have anything else. Our president was alternately balls-deep in scandal or apocalyptically stupid, our pop-culture sucked, we didn’t know what we were going to do beyond getting a good GPA. We were tunnel-visioned to small, specific goals in such a way that we didn’t know what we really waned. All we had was our rapidly progressing connectivity, and the tools to hump it like Al Pachino humped the cocaine market in Scarface.

Is what we did bad or good? Is it really anything? I suppose that every generation asks more qustions about itself than anything else, but they generally get answers, at least eventually. They’re almost always something along the lines of “you failed”, as those like Hunter S. Thompson are so helpful to point out, but it makes me consider what we will say in retrospect. Will we even think anything? Maybe our use of such a volatile and amorphous tool will leave no real history behind, no fossilized footprints. We don’t really have the smoking remains of the Reichstag, Woodstock, Star Wars or Grunge. We just have this mass of cultrual Jell-o that nobody can really nail down.

I Feel Sorry for Them. Honest.

April 4, 2009

The news entertainment industry (Fox, CNN, MSNBC and so forth) must really be hurting now. You can tell from just watching the news. Obama gave the Queen of England an iPod! You know how many times I, as a person that avoids consumer news like a mutant strain of Ebola, have been exposed to some variation thereof?
They must miss Georgie like the Bastard Squad (my collective name for the previous administration) like the Bastard Squad themselves miss those taxpayer-compensated trips to Thailand. What will they do now? Report real news?
They’ve found a brief reprieve in the recent spike in mass/spree killings, but that isn’t sustainable. They can really only expect to get a week of mileage out of the average wingnut with a firearm and a psychotic need for attention. What do they do in the months of lull between the spates of violence?
They used to have Georgie and the Bastard Squad. Together, they filled two roles. Georgie had the “LOL I CAN HAS OPEN DOOR” comedy requirement locked down, in spades. The man couldn’t even urinate without catching himself in his zipper and hitting his head on the bathroom mirror like a beta fish. Or invading one of those tantalizingly brown countries. The Bastard Squad was so balls-out corrupt and insane that, really, they wrote their own material. Who needs a random mentally unstable guy with a gun when you have an entire executive wing full of grotesquely corrupt and, occasionally, perverse shitheels? They didn’t even have the good sense to keep the really bad stuff under wraps like all the other administrations. The whole group was the political equivalent to one of those interchangeable starlets that appear to draw their dietary requirements from cocaine and public misbehavior.
So what do they do now? Obama stubbornly refuses to participate in drug addiction, war crimes or sexual escapades. His administration seems to be full of much the same, and the Bastard Squad has been exiled for a while while they regroup. We are in a state of comfortable calm, as calm as the US gets anyway, and they are clearly suffering.
At least they still have Rush Limbaugh.

In Which I Entertain Romantc Ideas

March 26, 2009

I’m very disappointed by the current financial crisis. When I first heard about it, I thought to myself well fuck, at least it’ll make people cooperate a little. Because that’s what crises do – make people get themselves together and support one another. Or die. Whichever. People recycle their cans and grow their own shit in victory gardens and other such lovely acts of sanity so we all can kill Nazis or afford bootleg booze or get just enough seeds to support our sharecropping overlords or whatever we need to do. The crisis is to a degree meaningless. The point is, adapt or die.

But, shit, it doesn’t seem to be happening. People appear to be just as myopic and awful as ever. You’d think, that after being told that their entire economy was built on an unstable swampland of bad debt and destructive financial practices, and after having it demonstrated large-scale, they’d perhaps get their shit together. Forget carrying the groceries of your old neighbor; how about just not being an active jackass? People don’t have to be inherently good – although it would be nice – they just need to behave out of a healthy fear of the collapse of their society. If the Great Depression taught us anything, it’s that we cannot continue to fuck each other indefinitely. Eventually, it will grow past the point of control and it will begin to tailspin, terminating in a smoking crater. A few people will make off like bandits, the rest of us will be completely fucked and busy picking up the pieces. Seriously, it’s happened before. It was called the Great Depression and you were all taught it in school so don’t pretend that you didn’t know about it. You know all those black and white pictures of poor farmers starving to death and teenagers riding railroads to find absolutely any work? That’s going to be you if you keep it up.

So start growing shit in your gardens and don’t ferociously screw others out of money at any cost. Not because it’s the right thing to do, though it is, but because eventually you’re going to get knocked down into the dirt with all the other people. Unless you’re extremely rich and own the banks.

An Impressive Accomplishment

March 7, 2009

I think that the real victory of the OLPC project isn’t very tangible. They didn’t get nearly as many of their machines out as they’d hoped for, but that’s kind of incidental to what they really did. They changed the mobile computing industry. Radically. The way that Apple did in the mid 90’s. They also did something more subtle but also very interesting.

Pretty much everyone knows what a netbook (sorry, Psion) is. Lots of people have them. They account for a massive amount of PC sales right now. They’re cheap, light and compact. They’re built with relatively tough and simple hardware. They exist because of OLPC. The XO-1, the current OLPC machine, paved the way for consumer-level machines like it. Once OLPC really got going, Asus got working on filling the consumer demand and blah blah blah you know the rest. It happened two years ago. Enough of the history lesson.

They made a unique OS. Or, more specifically, they made a unique user interface – Fedora already existed – called Sugar. One of the most striking things about sugar is that it’s really independent of language. It’s pretty simple to use it without instruction. It took me about five minutes to get a good handle on it, which makes it ideal for children with a possible language barrier. The other thing about it is that the graphics are all vectors, and they scale perfectly. It looks the same whether it’s booted on a machine with low display resolution or with a much higher one. This isn’t good for the latter, but great for the former. The XO-1 is, surprise, a machine with low specs, so that works out nicely. Sugar was designed with the XO-1, after all. It’s not a great OS for advanced users that are used to a more traditional UI, but it’s a fantastic way to introduce children to computing because it’s approachable and intuitive. It’s the Bigwheel to the bicycle of “grownup” OSes and UIs. I’m a little disappointed that it’s not going to be used for the XO-2, but the advanced hardware will obviate it because it’s designed to limit tasks for the sake of the older hardware. I’d very much like to see Sugar Labs (they broke away from OLPC) do something mainstream with Sugar, perhaps releasing a distro for commercial netbooks so children can get the hang of computing with commodity hardware.

I love McCain

February 25, 2009

John McCain is the ideal Republican presidential candidate. I’ll admit that I had my misgivings at first. Sure, the man is more or less a standard-issue proped-up-with-a-broomhandle milksop, but he has proved himself in the trial by fire. I am now convinced that he is categorically unelectable, and for that I salute and encourage him to continue his rapacious political aspirations. Do you think that Sarah Palin, bless her defective little soul, was the final nail in his coffin? Oh, no. She is merely the end of the beginning. The fun has just begun.

One of the possible replacements for the beloved (viciously loathed) hockey mom as the next could-be-veep is Bobby Jindal, the current governor of Louisiana. He is not only the typical religious wetbrain who believes that we should teach our kiddies that God made everything just the way it is and that they just shouldn’t have sex the end. He is a bit more special than that. I the term is “holy roller”. The man/thing thinks that you can cure cancer with an exorcism. While at least 50% of America is clearly a lowest common denominator navel-gazing collective, they will only go so far. They cannot possibly vote for the guy that looks like a flabby-necked Totenkamph skull and a man/thing that believes in casting cancer demons out as a viable alternative to removal of a malignancy of the skin. Defective though she may have been, and cringe-inducing to be sure, Sarah Palin was the charisma on that ticket. Without her, McCain is a malleable, faceless mannequin. Put any one of the deranged fruitcakes that he’s doubtlessly looking at on his arm and he’ll have all the appeal of one of those psychotic street people that scream about the mind-reading nanites in their nostrils. He’ll be the equivalent of a desperate-looking man holding up a cardboard sign that says “please elect”. He defeats himself, saving us sane people the effort of doing it ourselves.

Horray for that.

In Which I Introduce Myself (Again).

February 25, 2009

This is a continuation of a Blogspot account that I had but will no longer be using because of Google messing around with it and making the experience frustrating. So it goes.