A WHORE ISLAND fixture known fondly as Captain Pissup was found wandering down Mainstreet after being kicked out of every one of the local taverns and/or opium dens today, issuing a decree about the “state of the human condition in this, our perverted age.” Smelling strongly of rum and gesticulating with a smoldering joint of indeterminate substance, he demanded that the local on-call vice stenographer be dispatched. The resulting transcript and grubby piece of paper flung at said stenographer and gathered crowd of local prostitutes follows below.
“Okay, you dirty bastards! Sit down, and Cappy here is going to tell you a story! You, yes you, don’t fucking move. This is enlightenment that I’m offering you! Now hold still and take it, I know you’re good at that! Okay.”
There is a protracted pause as The Captain rummages though his clothing; an empty hip flask, a crumpled piece of foil apparently encrusted with some form of drug residue and a WHORE ISLAND commemorative pearl-handled pistol fall out onto the ground.
“Fuck it, where was I, oh yes. Enlightenment. Y’see, Humanity – that’s with an uppercase “H,” proper noun – can be mapped on two dimensions. An X and a Y axis that… You! Sit back down! Your john will still be waiting for you, if he’s willing to pay for it then he’s willing to fuckin’ wait a few minutes while I change your perception of society! That’s right!”
There is another, shorter pause as he continues to search his person. He produces what appears to be a masonry jar filled with clear liquid and drinks a large gulp of it.
“Anyone want a drink? No? Keeping a clear head. Good people. Back to Humanity. It can be mapped on an X and a Y-axis, like any equation. The X-axis is masochism/sadism and the Y-axis is activity/schadenfreude. Where any given person or group falls on the grid is determined by…”
The Captain fades out momentarily. A member of the crowd tosses an empty bottle at his head. He comes back with a start.
“…Fucking bottles! I’m trying to help you here! Now behave or I’ll find you in your sleep, pop your heads off and eat your souls to gain your strength! Now, where you fall on the grid is determined by how masochistic or sadistic you are and how active you are in feeding in to your sadomasochistic instincts. This applies to all people, because you’re all horrible little crap-golems. It’s really simple, I’ve drawn you all a pretty picture!”
The captain tosses a balled-up piece of paper into the crowd and staggers off. No other explanation is provided.
The Captain has yet to be located or explain further.